spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
