Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Every concussion has its silver lining
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We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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