all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
MIDGETS
????
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
