How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's rum buckets o'clock
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
