Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
