he puts the penis in happiness.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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