would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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