The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
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I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
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You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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