she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
