So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
