I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Four minutes until I can fart!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
