just tell him i said nine months
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
