fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.