I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
