Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
