the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
