i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
