I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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