Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
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