I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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