I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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