My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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