i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
