I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
