i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
