I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
