i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
