yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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