What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
