You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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