Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
