I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
