I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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