Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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