I hate your face
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i now understand why vodka
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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