last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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