Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
