I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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