My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
