if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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