I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Omg I joined a choir last night...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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