Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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