Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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