he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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