that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
