I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
