Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
