I hate your face
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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