did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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