Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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