and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
