his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
