I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
