so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
