This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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