you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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