I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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