I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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