Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
