he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
